Missing the Monkey?
by TheCiz
Summary: A short tale of Issaru and Leblanc having, if ever it were to happen, a nice chat in the Zanarkand Ruins. A unique mix of determination and desperation ensues.


Missing the Monkey?

A tale of love, rejection and fate between Issaru, the usually rational former summoner, and Leblanc, the eccentric but devoted sphere hunter, for The Pairing Game

By: TheCiz

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This is written with inspiration from Coyote Ugly, Leanne Rimes, Man United's 3-1 victory over Aston Villa and, perhaps most frightening of all, Ciz's imagination. Read on at your own peril.

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Issaru sighed. Monkeys. Monkeys, monkeys, monkeys. Damn those monkeys. If he wasn't caging them or trying to round the devilish green animals up, they were escaping and running circles around him. Life as "Zanarkand's Lone Defender" was proving more difficult than he had first imagined. Monkey was beating Man, 3-1.

What he needed was a helping hand. Someone who was as stupid and sympathetic enough to the aims of Zanarkand as he was. He mentally crossed out Maroda and Pacce. While possessing the level of stupidity required, Maroda would laugh in his face and not let him forget the "favour" for months, even years. And, sadly, the only reliable one of the two, Pacce, was far too busy leading the Kinderguardians to fame and fortune to help his eldest brother.

He was, rather inevitably, on his own. As another green felon slipped from his grasp, the urge to throw things at them grew too great, and Issaru dispatched a barrage of rocks into the primate ranks. This was a bad move, as he was promptly chased from Ebon Doom by said primate ranks, thanking his lucky stars there was no one around to see him flee.

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Leblanc sighed. Dullwings. Dullwings, Dullwings, Dullwings. Damn those Dullwings. If she wasn't trying to cage them or round the evil little bitches up, they were escaping and running circles around her. Life as "Noojie's No. 1 Girl" was proving more difficult than she had first imagined. Dullwing was beating Syndicate, 3-1.

What she needed was a helping hand. Someone who was as intelligent and sympathetic enough to her aims with Nooj as she was. She mentally crossed out Ormi and Logos. While possessing the level of intelligence, Logos would do it, but at the cost of not letting Nooj forget the favour for months, even years. It was no secret he hated Nooj, but if only she knew why. She had tried threatening it out of him with 'The Heel', but to no avail. And, sadly, the only reliable one of the two, Ormi, was far too busy hunting spheres for her own fame and fortune to help with this particular task.

She was, rather inevitably, on her own. Her search had taken her to the slopes of Mt. Gagazet, only to find there was nothing but snow, warring Ronso and a particularly nice hot spring. No sign of spheres or Nooj. Remembering the sphere-oscillofinder's readings of spheres in the ruins of Zanarkand, she had descended the slopes in its direction. As she did so, she spotted several nasty looking behemoths coming up behind her, but she had no fear. For she was the mighty Leblanc, they didn't stand a chance against her incredible strength. That and the fact that they were very small ones.

She braced herself, awaiting the easy battle ahead of her. A baby she could handle, it was when they grew up that they were out of her league. Yevon help her if she ever told anyone that though. As they drew closer, and her eyes adjusted to the white, for she had been staring at the solemn scenery of Zanarkand and the bright snow was a shock, she realised that they were not babies. Sweet Mother of Yunalesca, no. They were the real deal, and only a few yards away from her.

Leblanc ran. Ran long, hard and far, thanking her lucky stars no one was around to see her flee.

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Issaru stopped to catch his breath, leaning on one of the various ruined architectures that littered the outskirts of Zanarkand. Outwitted first by Maroda and _then_ by monkeys. It did nothing for the shred of pride he had left. Monkeys: 4, Issaru: 1. Not good.

It was when he set about to plan his next move in the fight for the Ruins that crashes and accompanying screams reached his ears. 'Now what,' he murmured to himself 'a Ronso stampede?' The noise was certainly coming from the vicinity of the Gagazet slopes.

What reached his eyes, however, was the sight of a young blonde hurtling his way. The exact thought that coursed his brain that moment was "Hello!", for since he closed down the Dome true humanity had been hard to come by. Issaru rather might have voiced this thought, had it not caught in his throat with all the dawning horror that two large and angry behemoths charging in your direction might bring.

"Holy Yevon!" he half muttered, quickly darting up the Sin-made hill to his left and motioning for the blonde to do the same. As she did so, the two beasts froze, their eyes, ironically enough, distracted by the darting diversions of several primate heroes. Monkeys: 5, Issaru: 1

Issaru seized the moment to conjure his best Firaga spell, in somewhat small hopes of weakening at least one of the beasts. All it seemed to do, however, was to make said beast angrier than it already had been, judging by the increasingly furious look it wore when it reared its ugly head in their direction.

"Very effective," the blonde muttered, raising a fan, of all things, as her weapon against their seemingly impending doom. She ignored his brief cry of disbelief, bellowing, "Let me blow you a kiss!", before twisting the fan elaborately above her head and inviting strong gusts of super heated wind as she brought it crashing down.

The front behemoth staggered around for a few seconds, eventually backing into its comrade and sending both beasts tumbling. A large tremor shook through the surrounding area. The two fiends in shock, Issaru took it upon himself to cast two quick blasts of Holy, dissipating fiend to pyrefly.

"As I can see," he replied, chest heaving with the effort.

The blonde, more commonly known as Leblanc, gave an exaggerated sigh of relief, straightening her posture and leaping from the hill. She landed gracelessly on the recess of land just below him. "That was close. Lucky for you I was here!"

Issaru raised an eyebrow. "Lucky for me? I'm sorry, but wasn't it me who saved you?"

Leblanc brushed the comment off with an impatient flick of the hand. "A mere technicality." She paused, weighing up whether she should ask this stranger about Noojie. "Say, not a Yevonite are you?"

Although Leblanc had decided many moons ago that she wasn't a fan of the saying "beating around the bush", there was still a need to be wary around strangers, that was common sense. Especially Yevonite strangers. Prejudice, she was willing to admit, was something that was higher up on her subconscious list of personality traits than that of trust or equality. Except, perhaps, when it came to Nooj.

"What is it to you, Blondie?" was Issaru's untactful reply, walking down the slope towards her, evening out his chances. Leblanc took a long breath, as one would when they do not approve of what you have just said and are thinking of something smart to say in return. One thing was for sure, she didn't waste any time. She didn't strike Issaru as the subtle type anyway.

"Do you know the whereabouts of the Youth League Mevyn, Noojie?"

'Noojie?' thought Issaru. 'That's just… wrong.'

"Nooj?" he enquired, in the politest tone he could muster.

Her bluntness should have surprised him, and it did a little; she did come across as the sort of person who, rightly or wrongly, expected to be obeyed. Was she trying to play the old "hard to get" card on him? If she was, he wasn't fooled. He hadn't been away from (modern) civilisation for that long.

"Yes, yes, Nooj. Have you seen him?"

"Can't say I have. Although I did hear the Youth League has been slightly… _flustered_ in his absence."

"Quite. Though I can't imagine how you would have heard. It's often like that when someone chooses to live isolated from the rest of the world," she stated, giving him a knowing, and rather patronising, smile.

"I have a correspondence through Lady Yuna, as it would happen. We're acquainted." He paused for effect, expecting her to look impressed. She wasn't. Issaru continued, undeterred. "A little bird tells me there is also unrest in Bevelle about the sudden disappearance of its young Praetor, and similar tales have reached me about the Al Bhed. It's all a little more than a coincidence that all three should go missing at the same time." He paused to take another fleeting glance at Leblanc, who was seated to his right and still looked indifferent to it all. "I rather think they are connected somehow."

"Humph!" was her first, charming and elegant response. "I rather doubt that _my Noojie_ would associate himself with the likes of _Baralai_…"

Issaru paused to take it all in. "Her Noojie"? Well, wasn't his the best of luck? 'Have you unwittingly fallen for Nooj's notorious wench, of whom Maroda has told you many a story of, Issaru?' he scolded himself, 'Yevon forbid if you have…'

"Who are you?" This second blunt question of Leblanc's jolted him back to the real world, and in just enough time to draw up the manners which his blonde counter-part had failed to show.

"I am Issaru." He extended a hand. "A former summoner and Zanarkand's Lone Defender."

"Leblanc." She replied in a surprisingly formal tone, accepting the hand he had offered. "Formidable warrior and sphere hunter extraordinaire. Although, I expect you already know that."

"Of course." He replied, trying his best to tame the twitching sides of his mouth so that she would not guess of his inner struggle between being honest and being downright rude. He had been obliged to converse with members of her Syndicate at times before and had found their attitude as well grounded as their fashion. Finally meeting their feared leader, he understood why.

"You called yourself… 'Zanarkand's Lone Defender?'" Leblanc queried, somewhat bewildered. "I don't know if you've noticed, love, but there isn't that much to defend. And even so, what would you be defending it from, woodworm?" she failed to notice Issaru cringe as she chuckled at her own bad joke.

He waited for her contemptuous chuckles to die down before replying. "Rather more serious than woodworm, I'm afraid."

"Oh really?" Leblanc seemed curious to know what hidden evil lurked in the depths of Zanarkand's waters.

Issaru turned his head so that it just faced that of her's, straight-faced and with his voice grave. "Yes. I defend Zanarkand and its history against those blasted green felons, more commonly known as-…"

"_Green_ felons?" Leblanc interjected, nothing coming to mind that was both green and villainous, with the dubious exception of broccoli. "Whatever do you mean, love?"

Irritated at her interuption, Issaru nevertheless ignored her and continued. "_More commonly known_ as monkeys."

She paused. 'He can't be serious?' was Leblanc's first thought, eyeing Issaru with interest. 'But that look... How can he be so straight-laced about protecting a pile of crumbling rocks? This 'Issaru' is obviously not right in the head.' She grinned in a way that gave away its cause almost instantly. 'Clearly he's joking.'

One look was all it took to sway her thoughts. Her smile lessened somewhat as her eyes broached the annoyed summoner for an explanation.

"They were attacking our tourists. We had to close down," was his somewhat tame response.

She paused for a moment, trying to make something of what he had just said. "Well, that really says it all, doesn't it!' Leblanc declared, a smile returning to her face. It was a smile that reflected that of something that has the most simplistic solution in the world and that one would be very proud of thinking of first.

"It does?" He couldn't wait for this; A life lesson from Nooj's beautiful blonde bride. He didn't know what to expect, as he had heard her ideas usually ranged from the ingenious to the downright idiotic.

"Yes. The monkeys are trying to tell you this whole Zanarkand thing is a bad idea! Listen to them, they are a sign of your fate!" With this she raised her arms in a dramatic swoop, looking to Issaru like one of the many doom-mongering fortune tellers that hung around the streets of Bevelle.

"So…" He took a steadying breath. "So, you are trying to tell me…' Truth be told, he wasn't sure where to begin on this one. Manners, Issaru, manners. "That monkeys attacking tourists is a sign that the whole idea of commercialisation of sacred ground is wrong?"

"Precisely!" she replied, beaming at him.

There was a silence.

"Well?" said Leblanc, growing irritated because he hadn't instantly thanked her for showing him the right course in his life.

Issaru bit his lip, deep in thought.

"Are you not going to say anything?"

"How?" was the statement he had decided upon.

Leblanc laughed. "Oh, I understand, love, don't worry. I forget sometimes that not everyone has such a great mind like mine or Nooj's. Aren't I right?" This seemed to be intended as a rhetorical question, as she didn't wait for Issaru's (feigned) nod of confirmation before continuing. "But believe you me, love, personal experience has proved to me that fate really does exist. When something isn't meant to be, fate will let you know."

"Through monkeys?" He asked, eyebrows raising despite himself.

"If that's what it takes," she replied with a cryptic smile.

"So, what was your 'personal experience', may I ask? Did fate tell you to wear _that dress_ to Mt. Gagazet in the autumn?" He eyed her skimpy attire. "Not overly reliable, is it?"

"Ha, ha, very funny, love." Leblanc gave him a brief shot of her evil eye before it brightened. "Actually, it was about my Noojie."

"Really now?" To be quite honest, Maroda and he had always been curious as to why Leblanc had stayed with Nooj, or even how Nooj put up with Leblanc. From what Maroda had told him of the Mevyn, he spent nearly all his waking hours involved in League work, or brooding in his office. It didn't leave much time for a steady relationship.

"Yes, there was a time, just six short months ago, when I actually considered leaving my Noojie." She seemed to pause for dramatic effect, but Issaru's own curiosity made him a lost cause in that department. A little disappointed, Leblanc continued. "It was 'New Yevon did this' and 'the Youth League will do that'. I… got tired of it. I had a speech ready for him, rehearsed everything I wanted to say so many times." She sighed slightly before resuming. "I tried walking down to the League Headquarters to tell him face to face, but fate, and the power of love, always managed to prevent me!'

"Um, how exactly?" Issaru's subconscious warned him that, although he sorely wanted to, now was not the best time to be making any smart observations. With the knowledge he had heard and now gained first-hand about Leblanc, he thought the best thing to do was shut up and listen. He thought this wise.

"Well, love, I was walking to the League from Djose on the first night, when I was told that I couldn't enter the Mushroom Rock Road because it had been over-run with fiends. So, I went to stay in Djose for the night, as I saw no point in walking all the way back to Guadosalam, and decided to go up by hover the next morning. So I went to the hover terminal the next day, only to find that no hovers were being run that day because of 'essential maintenance', even though the Al Bhed had told me they would be running just the night before! I had to walk down to the League myself, only to find my Noojie away on business, without telling me. It was the same story every day of that week. It was quite irritating. With everyday that passed I was getting less and less keen on the idea of leaving him. All the arguments I'd had with myself, telling me why I should leave, seemed to find reasons why they weren't important each time I walked down that Djose road."

"You were arguing with yourself, then?" Issaru muttered, thinking out loud.

"Don't interrupt, love." She flashed him a warning smile before continuing. "Anyway, when I finally got to the League, with my mind completely set again on dumping my Noojie, I was standing right in front of him, but I couldn't do it. He was sitting there, with his super cute 'I'm confused' look, when something inside me just snapped. He was starting to get impatient, so I just told him to come home more often, and asked if he wanted any spheres in particular. I felt like a complete fool."

"That's a nice story and all but… what does this have to do with monkeys and my fate, may I ask?"

Leblanc scowled. "I was getting to that, love."

'She must fancy herself a storyteller extraordinaire, too,' he thought.

"So, I was walking back home to Guadosalam, feeling like a complete idiot, when I started to wonder why I hadn't told him. I had been all set, I had put so much effort into preparing everything, promising myself I wouldn't back out, and I had fallen at the last hurdle. It isn't like me to mess things up, especially in front of my Noojie. So I started thinking, 'Is this a sign?'"

At this point, Issaru really wanted to say, 'Yeah, because fate gives out relationship advice', but knew better than to interrupt, as he suspected she might hurt him for it.

"Well, considering everything that had happened and how something suddenly told me to stay with him, by the time I was home I was thoroughly convinced. I would stand by my Noojie no matter what, through thick and thin!" She was literally glowing with pride, although it was not clear to him if it was in Nooj or herself, and he briefly wondered if she was trying to sound noble.

"And in order to achieve that, you found it necessary to stalk the poor man to death?" Issaru blurted out, despite his best judgement. "Maybe Nooj 'disappearing' might have meant he was trying to tell you something."

"Really?" The mere mention of Nooj wanting to tell her something surfaced saucer-like eyes in Leblanc that seemed almost uncharacteristic, insofar as he knew Leblanc. It indicated to Issaru that she hadn't given his words her full attention. He was glad. "What? Tell me!"

Issaru sighed. As his mother had always said, 'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all'. Maybe it was better if Leblanc didn't know his thoughts on the matter, because no matter how odd her personality was, Nooj obviously loved her and he would just have to trust his judgement. Maroda had always said that Nooj had an enigmatic mind and he was inclined, for once, to believe him. That and Leblanc seemed mentally unstable as it was, and it wasn't in his best interests to make it any worse. "No, don't worry, it's nothing."

"Oh…" She too sighed, looking downcast, until her eyes suddenly found their way from the sea to his face with a glare. "Stop trying to change the subject, love!"

"Alright, alright. I understand that's why you stay with Nooj. It's your fate to be together, fine, but what I don't see is how this has got anything to do with me and those monkeys." He jabbed a hand over his shoulder towards the offending colony that had gathered to, if he didn't know better, listen.

"Did you not listen to a word I've said, love? You don't have any success battling the monkeys because you aren't supposed to move them! If what I've seen is anything to go by, the monkeys are doing a better job of protecting Zanarkand than you, anyway. Besides, personally," she straightened up slightly to show that her opinion was the most important point in their conversation so far, "I think you should get a life. I mean, there's only so much tourism you can get from rusty old relics anyway. Move on already."

Issaru sighed. Leblanc had gone back to her old, confrontational self from the more emotional and, frankly, human women she had been only moments before. "Basically you're saying I should just give up on the place, then?"

"Yes, love. That's been the whole point."

Issaru knew when he was defeated, and this was a time when none of his own rationalising would come up with anything better. "I might think about it. I mean, I suppose I should check up on Pacce a bit more... Oh, by the way, why did you come to Zanarkand in the first place? As you can see, there's only me and the monkeys here at the moment."

"Mainly to look for Nooj and maybe even spheres." She replied. "Don't you remember?"

"Oh yes, yes, I do. Well, I highly doubt that Nooj is here, but if it's spheres you're looking for, I'm sure there were a few down in Ebon Doom last time I was there." He failed to mention the fact that the last time he was in Ebon Doom was a mere 20 minutes ago, when he had been running like a little girl from monkeys. "That'll be the best place to start your search."

As Leblanc waved the ex-summoner goodbye, thinking that perhaps she could have a friend in him sometime, Issaru stayed in his seat by the sea for a few minutes more. He was considering his position in Zanarkand, and whether it was really worth trying to keep it open to the public. The place he had always dreamed of seeing, and then sharing, one day seemed not to want to be interfered with. Maybe Leblanc had been right about the whole fate thing, maybe he should return to Bevelle. He still wasn't convinced about the 'power of love' angle, however much the monkies were multiplying. It was probably best to disregard that part altogether.

Looking to his left, he spotted a lone monkey that had crept up beside him while he was distracted. It looked up at him, triumphant. The message was clear.

Final Score: Monkeys: 6, Issaru: 1

Fin.


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